A Beloved Mother-In-Law

A mother-in-law is a powerful person. She (hopefully) is not the one calling the shots in a marriage, but it is within her power to bless it or to burden it. She can bless it by being supportive, loving, discrete, and wise. She can also burden it by being a source of contention between husband and wife.
“You hate my mother!”
“Only because she’s detestable!”
The above exchange never took place in my home. My mother-in-law was a jewel, a rarity in the species. The biblical book of Proverbs says of a godly woman, “her children rise up and bless her.” I think her children-in-law rise up to bless her as well!
I remember Jan sitting with me and teaching me to sew on her old sewing machine. In one whirlwind weekend session she taught me how to read a pattern, to mark it, to cut it, to piece and pin and sew, to stay-stitch and insert zippers. I was a newly-wed. It was only my third time to see her. I was a bit nervous, but Jan was very talented at putting people at ease, even brand-new daughters-in-law. Neither of us realized that weekend that another lesson was taking place – a course in how to be a mother-in-law. Jan may have been picking it up on the fly, but over the years she taught me by example how to be a good mother-in-law.
Only weeks into our marriage, Nate and I had a disagreement over ground beef. I had a five pound package of it that I believed was spoiled. I was going to throw it out, but the frugal Scottish part of Nate’s being was appalled. We argued. Since it was our first argument, my emotions were running high – way too high. It wasn’t about the meat for me, it was about how Nate saw me. Did he think I was wasteful or unintelligent? Incapable of managing a home? Unknowing of my thoughts, Nate committed one of the biggest no-no’s a husband can do in a fight. He called his mom. A rookie mistake!
He described the meat to his mom and asked her opinion. As he talked, Jan gathered that we had different opinions, and Nate was hoping for her to settle it. She asked to talk to me. I went to the phone with a faint heart. Was this going to be a pattern in my life now? Would Nate call his mom every time we disagreed? Would the two of them always be a team against me? I will never forget what Jan said to me, and the sweet tones she said it in. “I’m sure you know best, dear.” With that she both graciously bowed out of the situation, and cemented my affection for her. She later told Nate he wasn’t to call her in such situations, but we needed to work it out ourselves. It was a lesson we both took to heart. Now, no matter what silly disagreements we have, we are a team. Even if it’s the two of us against the world!
Jan took that occasion to be a blessing to me personally, and to us as a couple. She could have, if she was a bad mother-in-law, sowed seeds of further discord. She could have taken a trivial disagreement and made it into a traumatic incident. She could have berated me or have spoken of me to Nate in a disparaging way. She could have swam right in and taken charge, barking orders like a marine. Any of those would have had a negative impact on my relationship with Nate, and with my relationship with Jan, which would then have further negative impact on my relationship with Nate! She was very wise. Proverbs 31:26 “She opens her mouth in wisdom, And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.”
It’s a silly little thing to make a big deal over– a blob of greenish ground beef in a tiny apartment sink. But think of the damage that would have occurred if Jan had been of the bad variety of mother-in-law who immediately sided with her son over the interloper who married her darling. No doubt (since I wasn’t any wiser or more mature than Nate) I’d have called my mom (probably crying) to even up the sides. And that, my friends, would have resulted in a war of attrition, with me and my mom against him and his mom, lasting for years. Such a situation would have seriously impaired Nate and me from “leaving and cleaving.” I can’t say if Jan knew all this at the moment, but her simple affirmation meant the world to me.
I lost this precious mother-in-law on July 18, 2010. It was a deep loss for our family. Since then, Nate and I have busied ourselves with raising her legacy. Suzy will surely carry Jan into the next generation. She has her big luminous eyes, and like her grandmother she is quick to tears and laughter - the result of a tender heart, close to the surface. They lack a shell, both of shyness and cynicism. We are diligent to tell Suzy stories of Jan, to show her pictures, to talk about her memories of her Mimi. We've noticed Suzy has a much better memory than we supposed. It's so sweet when she shares a memory of her Mimi, and so sad when her grief wells up.
Jan blessed Suzy for four and a half years. Many of these blessings Suzy is aware of right now. She remembers well how Mimi showered her with love and joy, how Mimi delighted to see her, and the many giddy phone conversations they shared (though I know Jan didn't always understand what baby Suzy was talking about, she never let on.) Jan blessed Suzy in many of the characteristics she has passed on to her - her joie de vivre, her intelligence, her affinity for books, her sociability, her compassionate nature.
One blessing Suzy is too young to appreciate now, but will value in it's time, is that Mimi modeled how to be a godly mother-in-law to me. Her lessons have not been forgotten. I hope to put this knowledge into use one day when a newly-wed Suzannah calls me after (or during!) her first marital argument. Jan, I rise and call you blessed!

The Penland Academy for Young Ladies

Yesterday we received our home school curriculum. As Nate was pulling loads and loads of books out of the box, he was getting more and more excited, and I was getting less so. I began to have simultaneous feelings of happiness, self-doubt, and buyer's remorse!
I was happy because I love teaching Suzy, and I've been intentionally teaching her since she was 10 months old. I made little lesson plans, and had a checklist of developmental goals. I know, I know! But she’s my only one, so why not?
So, last year, she met all the preschool developmental goals. At that point, I had no idea what further to do with her. I had taught preschool for years, and poured all my training and experience into Suzy, and I flat-out hit a wall. I had no idea how to begin teaching reading beyond letter recognition. We decided that instead of the both Suzy and Momma languishing a whole year not knowing what to do, that we would start kindergarten early, with a complete, made-by-someone-else curriculum.
We went with Veritas Press. It’s a classical education, with a heavy emphasis on the arts and languages. We got the kindegarten-1st grade combo (so she’ll do it for two years) of their reading program, The Phonics Museum. It combines art history with reading. It seems like something we’ll like.
Also, since it’s a pretty good bet (given her parents) that she’ll be more artistically than mathematically gifted, we got “Drawing With Children”, a book to help parents teach their children the basics of drawing. I was dismayed to find that it was over an inch thick, with nearly a third being prepatory work for the teacher. This brought in the self-doubt. However, since Suzy already spends hours contentedly drawing, I think she’ll love it so much that it will be well worth it.
My one big area of doubt was the math curriculum. We bought Saxon K, even though Veritas Press recommends skipping it and doing Saxon 1 for kindergarten. But since she’s only four, we went with the K. Looking it over last night, I think about a half of it are concepts she already knows well. This brought the buyer’s remorse. I decided to just go ahead with it and skip the lessons that would be too boring. And it’s all based around a calendar workbook that starts in September. It’s October, so it makes it awkward. We may just skip to the September lessons all together.
Anyway, these are my first impressions of the curriculum. Tomorrow is my Teacher Work Day. Nate will keep Suzy, and I will haul all this stuff to the library and plan my lessons. I’m actually really looking forward to that! I am excellent at planning. Not so good on follow through, but excellent at the planning!

Knick-Knacks

I have held back on what I’m about to confess for fear of offending just about every other woman in America: I hate knick-knacks. Now, I do not hate them in your house. You can have them on every available surface and I’ll never say a word. I hate them in MY house. I hate moving them, dusting them, looking at them.*
I like my decorative items to be functional as well as pretty. Vases, fine. Bowls (preferably food-safe so they can double as serving bowls), great. Candlesticks, picture frames, little boxes that hold stuff, wonderful. Porcelain shepherdess, no. Crystal unicorn, no no no. My knick-knack collection consists of three Willow Tree figures that double as book ends.
Nate, however, does not share my horror of bric-a-brac. He tries to be accommodating, but occasionally our differences come to the surface.
This week we were attempting to get our guest room a little more guest-friendly. We took down a hideous and dilapidated bookshelf. I thought that was a good thing. I forgot that up on the top of that shelf, where I could barely see them, was Nate’s stash of knick-knacks. A word here about Nate’s knick-knacks: they are random, masculine, and ugly. They make a useless porcelain shepherdess seem fetching. The day he decided to display his preserved head of a baby alligator on his desk at church, instead of the guest room, was a happy day. His collection also includes a fake pile of dog poo.
So, while I’m grocery shopping, Nate is in the guest room, busy moving books and movies, when he decides to do something with his now homeless knick-knacks.
His solution? He strew them across the dresser and tv. When I came home I found the dresser – and I already dislike that there is a tv, dvd player, playstation, and an over-sized vase of flowers on it- now sported a wooden alligator figurine, a quartz alligator figurine, a minature Florida Gator football helmet, (notice a theme?) a picture of Suzy and her cousins at Christmas (which wouldn’t be bad at all, except they were all crying) a picture of his grandparents (fine) a brass thermometer, a boomerang, a signed baseball, a very small, wooden Chinese incense ball, three flat rocks, and the crowning glory- a Russian nesting doll of Boris Yeltsein. It had the added charm of opening up to reveal all the previous Soviet leaders back to Lenin.
Needless to say, I was appalled.
When I realized that we would never come to an agreement as to the attractiveness of such a display, I pointed out that our pre-school houseguests this week would probably destroy them. So Nate put them in a drawer, to be brought out at the appropriate time. I hope that time is not when my sister comes to visit next week, or anybody else for that matter.
All this is just the lead-up to this morning while making my bed, I noticed a Willow Tree figure had been moved from it’s post as bookend, and replaced with an exact minature replica of Minis Tirith. If you don’t know what that is, it looks like this:


Isn’t it lovely?
But the tops, the absolute tops was picture frame. Yesterday Nate had taken a frame with one of our engagement pictures off of the dresser and said he was going to put in on his desk at church. Isn’t that the sweetest thing? Wouldn’t you feel all sunshine and lollipops inside if your husband did that? I was touched. Until this morning, when I saw that the engagement picture, which had previously been right next to the alarm clock (thus the first thing he’d see in the morning) had been replaced with an autographed picture of Steve Spurrier. This is Steve Spurrier:

Yes, Steve Spurrier, Heisman trophy-winning quarterback of the Florida Gators and former National Championship winning coach of the same, has now usurped my place of honor.
I hate knick-knacks.


*This is excepting Christmas decorations and decorative crosses.

Thoughtfulness

Yesterday morning Nate went to the store to pick up a few things for me. When he came back, he had surprises for Suzy and I. For Suzy, he had a little doll - Blueberry Muffin from Strawberry Shortcake. Suzy's crazy about Strawberry Shortcake. all day long she totes around a little strawberry-shaped tin that holds her little dolls - Strawberry Shortcake, Raspberry Torte, Lemon Meringue, and Orange Blossom. If she's not doing that, she's asking to see the Strawberry Shortcake movie. The only two she didn't have were Blueberry Muffin and Plum Pudding. Those two seem to be rare - it's hard to ever find them in the store.
I thought this was such sweet gift. First, it was sweet that Nate wanted to give Suzy a surprise treat, and that he even thought to check the Strawberry Shortcake display, and then to recognize the rare find a Blueberry Muffin was, and then buying it for her. Suzy told me this morning, "I like Blueberry Muffin the best, because she comes from Daddy."
You know what my surprise was? Another can of red spray paint!